Peter Elbridge

Slowly but surely

Life happens slowly. Painfully slowly.

Today I feel like I’ll never have the things I want. And lots of voices tell me I should or could already have them, and make me feel even worse. (#socialmedia)

But things take time and money and hard, hard work. And patience. And perspective.

When I look back at life a year ago, I notice there are a number of big steps I’ve taken. Big, important purchases–like a new car. And other progress. Like weight lost and a more healthy lifestyle. Like becoming a serious runner. Like a new job.

When I got that new car, I felt so awesome about it for a couple weeks. And then my focus drifted back to the other important things I haven’t been able to get or do yet. And that’s where my focus stays mostly.

When I look back at life two years ago, I remember living in a cramped studio on a not-so-nice street. Made a lot less money. But then my best friend and I took each other on a dreamlike adventure to get married and honeymoon on a lake in northern Italy. Made memories and got pictures that we’ll treasure for a lifetime. We got new jobs. Raises. Took a few more steps. Got an awesome new place to live and some new furniture to go with it. Threw a wedding reception for all our friends. Helped a friend get on her feet financially.

Even just the last two years have been so full of progress, growth, gifts, and adventures. But throughout the years I’ve felt again and again like I’m not making progress. Like I’ll never have the time or money to move forward and realize some of my dreams.

And the year before. Another painfully slow year. But I bought a ring and got engaged. And won speech competitions. And got promoted.

I know I’m not the only one who feels like progress happens way too slowly. Life takes so much patience.

When you feel like you’re just running in place, look back at what you didn’t have one or two or three years ago. Look back at what you’ve gotten to experience in the last year and more.

I’ve had an incredible life. I lived in Uganda and Ethiopia and learned Amharic. I’ve spent years enjoying the company of my best friend and sharing together in adventures–with no end in sight. I’ve taken awesome road trips. Made great friends. Spent lots of money on things that make life easier and more fun. Made a home. Learned to cook like a pro and make some killer guacamole. Bought and received so many meaningful gifts. Spent endless hours pouring my heart onto the keys of piano after piano. Put many, many miles on too many pairs of running shoes to count. The list goes on.

And my life doesn’t seem to be nearly over. Which means that list really will keep growing.

But next week I’ll probably have some “I’m-not-making-progress” feelings. Some “Why-can’t-I-afford-that-yet?” frustrations. Some “Will-I-ever-get-there?” moments. And if the past couple years are any indicator, life is sure to throw a few more curve balls my way. Setbacks. Expenses. Discouragements.

This time next year, though, I’ll re-read this blog post. And I bet I’ll be amazed at how many more things will have been added to the list since today.

What about you? What’s on your list? I bet if you sit down and start writing, you’ll feel a little better about where you are and where you’re going.

pjimage

You vs You-with

A scientific study published in 1999 examined how we are affected by listening to others’ opinions about us: First, Asian women were given a math test to do after reminders of the negative stereotype that women are bad at math. Later, Asian women were given a math test to do after reminders of the positive stereotype that Asians are good at math. The subjects performed significantly better when seeing themselves as “Asians, who are good at math” than as “women, who are bad at math.”

—

There’s you. And then there’s you-with-_____.

You with your boss. You being watched by your in-laws. You surrounded by your employees. You feeling nervous with your date. You with the context of your work situation.

While you-with-anything is still the real you, it can be very helpful to not look at yourself only through the context of whatever is currently going on, whoever you’re with. Try looking at just you by yourself. Apart from the other thing, person, or situation.

Why is this so helpful? We have a huge tendency to define ourselves by the people around us and what they think. We tend to become the average of the people closest to us. We want to fit in, to please people. We also constantly hear their voices, even when they’re not talking out loud. What your boss thinks of you. What your parents think of you. What your buddies think of you.

When I look at a big decision I just made, while examining myself primarily in the context of the two or three employees it affects, maybe the big decision looks like a win. But when I do the mental exercise of separating myself and examining the decision in the context of simply who I have always wanted to be, what I really believe and value–maybe I find the decision wasn’t a win for me after all. Maybe it was just a people-pleasing win for somebody else.

Or vice versa. Maybe what you’re constantly feeling small about, because of how you know it looks to your parents, or what your boss thinks of you now–maybe that thing you’re regretting, feeling down about, kicking yourself over every day… maybe that’s exactly what you truly wanted and you need to give yourself some credit, encourage yourself, celebrate your growth.

If you don’t give yourself the credit of judging yourself for yourself, and instead constantly see yourself through the lens of another or in a context inseparable from others, you will say things you don’t really mean, choose things you don’t really want, and become a person you don’t actually believe in.

Of course there’s a limit to all this–if you completely stop considering what others think, you miss out on a lot of valuable feedback and you can start giving people very wrong impressions. You can stop working well as a team and you can hurt people. Being aware of others and how they feel is very important.

But there’s got to be a balance: “How will my employee take this?” must always be accompanied by, “How do I really see this?” And vice versa.

There’s a reason I encourage you mostly to focus on the independent part, though–seeing yourself distinct from the people and situations currently surrounding you. It’s because what we’ve experienced and learned throughout life has pounded an insecurity into us, leaving us constantly, endlessly agonizing over what others think, how they see us and our choices.

That’s the norm in society: Defining your life, your self assessment, and your worth through the lenses of others.

Try being fair to yourself. Give yourself some credit. What do you really think and want? Forget your boss’s opinion for just a minute. Or your parents’ expectations. What do you really, truly, deep down in your heart, believe and want out of yourself? That is immensely more important to your happiness and peace in life than what you know your co-worker is telling his friends about you.

—

“I am a woman, so I cannot be good at math.”

“I am an Asian, so I can be great at math.”

Or maybe… “I am me, and I love math.”

“Come See Me in My Office”

The dreaded invitation.

“Come see me in my office.”

When you’re the one inviting, here are a few truths to remember…

Your employee didn’t wake up this morning intending to make life miserable for you or anyone else.
Your employee is trying. If not, there’s a much deeper problem that’s been simmering for a long time.
Your employee is probably very nervous or afraid.
Your employee will definitely feel misunderstood and possibly bullied.
Your employee almost certainly will not say most of what he’s really thinking.
Your employee really wants some encouragement after a tough conversation.

And here are a few things to try…

Start things off with a less scary invitation: “Do you have a few minutes? I’d like to go over some stuff with you.”
Visit your employee in their own office where they’re comfortable.
If you need to close the door, tell them it’s because you want both of you to be able to speak freely with each other without having to worry about what anyone else thinks.
Show your employee honor by genuinely allowing that their motivations could be very good. Honestly try to understand your employee (they’ll know).
Make it a two way conversation. Ask them what their take on the issue is, what factors are causing it, and how you can help.
Tell them how much you appreciate them.
Ask them for feedback.
End on a positive note. Smile. Be truly excited to help each other make things even better!

Unless, of course, you really are just trying to kick them rudely out the door. In which case, you may be the problem…

“How is everything going for you?”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

This question has been hammered into the DNA of everyone who’s ever worked with customers and clients. Why? So that the company can make sure its customers are satisfied. And uncover more opportunities to sell.

But that phrase has become essentially as ineffective at ensuring customer satisfaction as the phrase “How are you?” is at learning anything meaningful about your friend.

When someone asks how you are, you say “Fine, thanks!” In order to get the real answer you have to dig deeper. Something along the lines of, “Everything been going okay for you lately at work/with the family, etc?”

Similarly, when a customer service representative says “Is there anything else I can help you with?” we automatically say “No.” Unless we were already planning on speaking up about something else. That question has become very bad at actually getting useful information out of customers or uncovering other areas in which clients can be helped.

Here also, we should be digging a little deeper. “Can you tell me how everything has been going with your relationship with us?” “Is there anything we can be doing differently that would help you?” “How’s your experience been with us in the last year?”

Customer surveys are a decent shortcut. But they’re just that–a shortcut–and your customer knows it. Having that conversation yourself with your customer builds more rapport and trust. Your customer feels valued, heard, and genuinely cared for.

Imagine you have a large client who regularly depends on your company for a vital service. Let’s say the client has become frustrated with a lack of promptness from your team, and it has become a big enough problem that they’ve started considering other companies to use. Finally, with no warning, they make the phone call to close out their account. You’re shocked and insist you’ll do anything to help them. But it’s too late. They wouldn’t be ending their relationship if they hadn’t already set up a new relationship with a different company to take your place. And since they’ve got that up and running, you don’t have much going for you. It doesn’t mean the relationship absolutely can’t be salvaged, but you are at a serious disadvantage.

This scenario applies to almost any business. If someone needs a bank account, they don’t close their accounts until they’ve found a replacement. If someone needs an equipment supplier, they don’t end their relationship until they’ve found a supplier they think will serve them better. If someone needs a Human Resources management system, they won’t deactivate their current system until they’ve got the replacement set up and ready to go.

That means waiting till customers bring up their concerns can put you at a huge disadvantage.

What if you and your whole team were always proactive to check in with your clients? Not “Anything else?” or “How are you?” Instead, legitimately checking in–like “What have we been doing well for you lately, and what has been causing problems for you?” or “How can we serve you even better?”

Some customers wear their hearts on their sleeves. But others don’t. And if you want to keep those customers, you have to get them to open up to you before it’s too late.

I do this and and I’ve seen my own team members try it, and I can tell you it’s a game changer for sure.

Want to figure out this whole “life” thing together? Throw your email below. :)

3 Questions I Ask On the Balcony

Isn’t it funny how we usually know exactly what our opinion is when someone else tells us about their problems–that we can tell them exactly “what I would do if I were you”–but when we find ourselves in those same situations, we feel completely lost?

It’s because when you’re emotionally involved in a situation, things never seem as simple or as black and white. In the heat of the moment, they seem a lot trickier than they might really be.

One time when I was extremely stressed out about a situation at work, feeling frustrated and lost, my wife pointed something out to me. When I start to worry too much–or start to panic–I actually stop thinking the way I normally do. Adrenaline and fear don’t help me think clearly. They help me run, they help me fight, they help me freak out. But they don’t help me think clearly.

When all hell breaks loose, you need to stop. Stop. Stop and step away. Calm your nerves. Stop fighting. Stop talking. Stop acting under the direction of your panicking, adrenaline-filled brain.

Easier said than done.

Sometimes it can take days to work on switching from passionate panicking to calm, reasonable analysis.

But you need to get there. For your own sake, and for the sake of everyone involved in whatever screwed up situation you’re trying to fix.

Harvard Negotiation Project’s William Ury, in his awesome book The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes, describes this as “going to the balcony.” After all, your worst enemy in a conflict is yourself, he says. So step away, disengage, go to the balcony–a quiet place, separated from the conflict. Calm down, and think for a while.

When I have to go to the balcony, contemplating these 3 questions helps me assess calmly and rationally how to handle a difficult situation.

1. What really caused this situation?

Be honest. Was it me? Was it them? Was it a combination? (Hint–it’s always both sides.)

Should I really be feeling guilty? Should I be feeling like I’m being unfair? Like I’m making too big a deal out of things? Like I’m being disloyal? Or should I cut myself some slack? After all, their behavior wasn’t up to me.

Am I trying to solve it with the same behavior patterns or communication that got us here?

Did I support this? Were my hands tied? How did it get this far? Should I have spoken up sooner?

Questions like these give us insight that will help us next time and help us determine what might help and what absolutely will not help this time around.

At this stage remember to have compassion for yourself and for others. Don’t blame everything on yourself, and don’t easily assign the worst motives to others. Being negative or hopeless about yourself or others in the situation will absolutely discourage you from trying to fix anything.

2. What long term effects could my different actions cause for everyone involved?

If I choose not to back down, will that really make the future healthier for everyone? Maybe it will! But I need to ask it.

If I take a bullet, will that actually protect the people I’m trying to protect?

If I focus on standing up for myself and my own integrity, will that benefit me down the road?

If I choose to overlook a disease on our team, prefer not to talk about it, what happens to the rest of my team members a year from now?

When we’re freaking out, we’re usually looking for a way to feel better today. But the effects of our decisions will almost always have changed drastically by a year or two later. What feels good today might leave an even bigger mess later for everyone involved. Letting yourself be the scapegoat for someone else’s misconduct leaves others to suffer the same fate later.

3. What kind of person do I want to be in this situation?

Who do you really want to be? Your integrity is one thing others can’t take away from you. And if you give up your integrity, you will absolutely regret it later.

Do you want to be weak? Too sensitive? Angry? Uncontrolled? Passive-aggressive? Cowardly? Hurtful? Insensitive? Positive? Pessimistic? Afraid? Honest? Bold?

Thinking about your options with these values in mind can give you a lot of insight.

Stop thinking: “Should I really hurt so-and-so this way?” Start thinking, “Am I being honest or wise?”

Stop thinking, “What will this person think of me?” Start thinking, “Am I an honest person?”

Choosing today to be the person you want to be means that a year from now, no matter what happened, you look back and feel good about yourself instead of looking back and feeling guilty and disappointed in yourself.

What other questions can you ask? Think about it… write some down… save them in an envelope that says “For next time I’m freaking out.”

However you get from panic mode to a level-headed perspective, commit yourself now to get there every time you find yourself in a sticky situation.

Remember the advice of the writer Ambrose Bierce: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Full blown adrenaline doesn’t solve conflicts. Take a deep breath.

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce