Peter Elbridge

We Eloped to Italy!

Hello again!

I’ve missed writing! I decided to take a break for a while last summer with our wedding coming up and with some other big life changes–a big promotion, a move, and too much more to keep track of!

It’s old news now, but I’m still so excited to share that I got to marry my gorgeous best friend Alyssa, in one of the most beautiful spots on earth. We eloped to Italy and exchanged vows at the incredible Villa del Balbianello on Lake Como, August 25th of 2015–il giorno più bello.

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In the morning, an amazing hair and makeup artist (Valeria–remember her if you ever know anyone getting married in Italy!) came from Milan to our private apartment just up the hill from Lake Como. We felt like royalty. And Alyssa looked like a goddess! We went down to the lakeside, met our photographers (Alessandro and Veronica–they’re AMAZING!), and waited at a hotel dock for our awesome wooden boat. The driver sped us to and from our destinations on the lake for the rest of the day.

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We spent the first part of the day visiting the most beautiful place–the Villa del Balbianello. It had been our dream for a long, long time to get married in Italy, and this Villa was our favorite version of the dream.

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The day could not have been more perfect, peaceful, and happy. Our ideal wedding day was one in which we would spend time together, just the two of us, celebrating us–just us–sharing our promises to each other–and just celebrating. And it was exactly that. It was as happy as could possibly be.

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We made our vows to each other and gave each other our wedding rings at the Villa. It was perfect.

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We spent the afternoon wandering from place to place around the lake. Alessandro and Veronica captured so many beautiful and happy moments for us to remember for the rest of our lives. Everywhere we went, people stared at us (especially Lyssi). We felt like celebrities. Everyone smiled and said “Auguri!”

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When we finally got back to our apartment in Mezzegra–a straight view from our balcony to the Villa where we had our ceremony–we were tired and hungry, but as happy as could possibly be! We realized that all we’d had to eat the entire day was a little breakfast of fresh fruit in the morning. So we went in search of a meal worth a wedding day. And we found a perfect one! We waited for a good two hours to get into a quaint little restaurant–a real hole-in-the-wall down the hill from our apartment–Antica Trattoria del Risorgimento. Delicious entrees, gourmet cheese, and amazing wine. A perfect end to a perfect day.

I want to share a few more things with you that have been on my mind since my wildest dreams came true that summer day in Italy…

Il dolce far niente

The wedding day was just the start. We honeymooned (luna di miele) on Lake Como for a while.

We learned some Italian–a lot when we were traveling, making our way from the airport near Milan all the way up to Lake Como by train and bus. Going to restaurants and markets. I think our favorite phrase we learned was il dolce far niente. It means the sweetness of doing nothing.

And that was our stay in Italy. We slept in late in our beautiful apartment every day. And we stayed up late and talked and read and laughed and played games and smiled and laughed some more. Visited the most incredible restaurants. Had an unbelievable amount of unbelievable pizza.

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We walked or jogged down to the market when we needed to restock our fridge full of fresh fruits, vegetables, meats, bread, wine, and cheese to die for. We ate and drank what sounded best when we felt like it. We sat on our balcony a lot and just stared at the incredible lake and mountains. We talked about our dreams and our memories. We smiled a lot. We took our time.

We went exploring every day–walking everywhere we went. Walked miles and miles some days. Lenno, Mezzegra, Tremezzo. Followed paths that were taking us who knew where. Went running sometimes. Or just sat on benches. Took some beautiful pictures.

Meals in Italy are very slow and long. People gather for hours to just be together and enjoy each other.

It was such a relaxing adventure. So peaceful. We really got to know the sweetness of doing nothing. Of just resting. Just experiencing the beauty around us. That’s something we will keep for our entire lives. An idea that we will build our life around.

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Look what we did!

Life hasn’t been a joy ride for either of us. We always had these big hopes and dreams, but when we were being honest, neither of us often expected we’d be able to make them come true. At least not so soon and in such a big way. We’ve had to work hard and push through a lot to make dreams come true.

Figuring out how to go make a wedding happen at one of the most incredible wedding destinations in the entire world–taking that on all by ourselves–was a crazy experience. It started as a “Wouldn’t that be amazing? If only…” And then we got thinking. “Why not?”

Why not? Because we can’t just up and fly to Italy, get our own apartment, rent time at a famous Villa, book Italian wedding photographers, planners, and artists, and secure a beautiful wooden boat for a day. That’s a lot of … stuff to figure out. And pay for. And make happen. Despite all the reasons why it wouldn’t make sense or we probably couldn’t do it.

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Well. We did it. And it went absolutely perfectly! What an adventure! So many details and nerve-wracking research went into that elopement. So many things aligned just right. Sometimes things “align just right” because you spend hours and hours searching and researching and asking for advice and trying crazy things.

We really made it happen–our biggest dream so far in life. We made it happen and it was incredible!

And that’s something I’m really proud of. It was so encouraging to look back afterward and to be able to say–“Wow. Something so difficult to pull off and such a huge dream. We went after it, and we made it happen.”

Good lesson. We can make things happen. And so can you. Never give up hope. Chase your dreams. You’ll be shocked by what you can accomplish.

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My friendship with my wife is the most important thing in the entire world.

Our life is about us. Not only about us. But in a big way, it is about us. Alyssa and I are best friends. And we’re a team. Taking time away from the rest of our day to day life and just celebrating our relationship–it was so clear just how valuable our relationship is and always will be.

Alyssa’s happiness is more important to me than anything else. I honestly am at a loss for words to describe how much I care for her.

But “marriage” gets such a bad rap–it’s sad. Married couples (even and sometimes especially the ones who are really pious about it) so often get sick of each other. They just live in this constant frustration and annoyance with each other. And they complain about each other incessantly to friends, co-workers, even strangers. It’s expected.

… Why?

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Yes, relationships take hard work. Humility, courage, honesty, care, tears, selflessness.

But they can also be full of happiness and fun and beauty.

But maybe in our darkest days we should think back to the beautiful, happy memories of being truly in love–wrapped up in each other. In that moment, our hearts belonged to each other in every way.

We humans forget that too quickly and easily. We forget just how much we adored the good in each other, just how genuinely we embraced each other’s weaknesses, and just how important being best friends was.

Well I owe it to my beautiful wife and to myself to not forget. Nothing can ever be as important in my life as my best friend and “life person”–because as soon as something becomes more important, we lose that incredible purpose in our lives: To be each other’s best friends and closest teammates for life.

Nothing else in the world is as valuable as having and loving each other.

Maybe that’s just us. But we will be happy.

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Thanks very much for letting me share with you one of the happiest stories in history–at least to Lyssi and me. The memory means more than I can say. The wedding was perfect. The honeymoon epitomized il dolce far niente. The adventure was empowering. And it’s all for the sake of having the most beautiful and satisfying life with my best friend.

I’m excited to get back to writing now!

A BIG thank you to Alessandro and Veronica Roncaglione for being the most incredible wedding photographers for Alyssa and me. They couldn’t have done a more perfect job! Grazie mille!

And thanks to all our friends who have been there along the way to be happy for us and help us celebrate!

Take a look at all the rest of the pictures!

Video: Quiet

I gave this speech yesterday. Hope you find it helpful.

What change will YOU make? Please share. :)

Are You Addicted To Something That Doesn’t Even Exist?

Hi, my name is Peter, and I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to security.

Security in my job, finances, relationships, lifestyle, health, social status…

I can never get enough security, and I’ve discovered the reason: Security doesn’t exist.

I guess I’m addicted to the feeling of security then.

I feed my addiction using a number of things:

How many cool stories I have to tell.
How good my performance reviews at work are.
How high my grades have been.
How much I’ve traveled.
How good at making friends I am.
How much people admire me.
How good I am at public speaking.
How successful I am at my work.
How much money is in my savings account.
How many people are reading this blog post.

Here’s the problem. None of that is real security. None of it makes me safe.

Where do you look for your security?

Does any of it really make you safe?

Think back to goals you’ve set and achieved. Accomplishments you thought would make you feel secure. A salary. A relationship. An award.

Now that you’ve accomplished it, are you secure?

The richest people in the world have gone broke.

The healthiest people in the world have become sick.

The smartest people in the world have lost their minds.

The best athletes in the world have grown old.

The biggest celebrities in the world have fallen from grace.

And everyone–rich and poor, young and old, smart and dumb–all kinds of people that have ever lived have lost their lives to freak accidents, crime, and natural disasters.

Nobody is secure.

But every day, I desperately desire security.

Which means I live my life every day full of a soul-crushing emotion: Worry.

What if I were to just stop every once in a while–stop worrying, let go, and experience a life without the need for this mythical “security?” Then maybe I’d open my eyes and see the world for what it is. A beautiful piece of art. An incredible experience as long as I’m blessed to be here.

“Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest.” – Tilopa

It’s time to end our addiction.

“For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.” – Larry Eisenberg

Here’s a final thought to chew on (feel free to chew on it by commenting):

If security doesn’t exist, can INSECURITY really exist?

Maybe, just maybe, every little thing actually is going to be all right.

Do Your Stories Still Define You?

Do you ever feel powerless? Do you ever feel like a little kid again? Hurt and alone? Do you feel like the world is just too much to handle?

Someone says something and it triggers a memory. A memory of a feeling. It triggers the feeling itself. When your dad screamed at you. When your teacher told you that you’d never amount to anything. When you choked up in speech class and everyone teased you about it. When you learned your best friend had betrayed you. When you lost a family member?

You re-experience the trauma. And it affects you again. And again. And again. You’re damaged.

There’s a reason every therapist asks you what happened in your childhood. Adults have big feelings, too, and they’re usually feelings we developed when we were younger, and things happened to us. We almost never experience a feeling for the first time. We hear something said, or see something happen, that tears open old scars.

And usually it breaks us down again. As an experienced, mature adult you suddenly feel again like a powerless child. Because your past hurts have come alive again.

The more we dwell on our past hurts, the more they keep hurting. Past experiences can hit you in the gut every single day for your entire life. And the more you take those punches, the weaker and more vulnerable you become.

So we see our therapists. They ask us what happened. And we find that when we share our old secrets of trauma and sadness, we feel a sweet release.

The other day something occurred to me, and I thought I should share it–might help somebody reading this…

Each of us has a life story. And most of our stories are, in some big ways, painful and sad.

I think I had a lot to overcome. Some unfortunate circumstances left me feeling very alone and crushed as I transitioned into adulthood. I had an extremely tough time trusting anybody to mean well or show love unconditionally. I had the distinct impression that I was pretty much a loser. I’d never get anything right, never be great at stuff, always be awkward.

I was just not good enough.

I struggled a lot with this. A lot. I still do sometimes.

Just like you. Right? Doesn’t it resonate? Everyone seems to go through the same ordeal. Different characters, different plot, but the exact same hurt.

Now here’s where it starts getting complicated. I developed a habit for self-preservation–a defense mechanism–and I didn’t realize the effect it was having:

As I grew up and started becoming an independent person, I told everyone, very often, all about how hurt I had been. And of course I did a lot of blaming my hurtful stories on others. Why was I so socially awkward (I thought)? Here’s why. It’s their fault! Why was I so sensitive (I kept reminding myself)? This is why. They hurt me!

And my new friends and acquaintances would feel for me. They’d be very sympathetic. They’d be extremely proud of me for being so strong. They were all very impressed.

And it helped me. It was a great band-aid, and maybe one I really needed. It turned wounds into scars. But guess what else it did: It kept me focused on those scars.

Whenever I told people how hard I had to work on this and that, what I had to go through, to get where I wanted to go–they were all impressed. But every time I re-lived things, I felt like the hurt version of me. The damaged me.

In others’ eyes, I was becoming this strong, independent, awesome person!

In my own heart, I was stuck as a kid who had a lot of crap thrown at him.

My past hurts defined me. My stories defined me. My scars defined me.

I didn’t even stop telling my stories all the time because I realized what it was doing to me. At the time, I didn’t. It just made me feel better, and it impressed people.

I stopped telling my stories simply because I was embarrassed. The more often I heard myself looking for a pat on the back, sharing a sob story, the more I thought, “You talk about yourself a lot!” So I just got embarrassed and started keeping it to myself more often.

Something strange started to happen the less I talked about and focused on my past: I grew stronger. I felt free. Life got better. I became happier.

I don’t think I realized the effect my story-telling had until later. In fact, it’s what occurred to me so clearly the other day–it’s been years, and I haven’t seen the pattern so clearly until now.

So take some encouragement from me if you can today:

Your hurt is real. Your scars are real. And you can’t carry the memories on your own.

BUT: You are not your past. You are who you decide to be today. Don’t let your past hurt keep you hurt. Don’t let your stories define you. Embrace your stories for what they’ve given you. Be humble to see that everyone has lived their own story, too. Sympathize and accept support.

But NOW–go define yourself. Be who you want to be, not what people have done to you. Be awesome.

When do you most often find yourself getting stuck on past hurts? What helps you get past them? I’d really like to hear from you.

“When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.” – George O’Neil

Rip the Band-Aid Off

My manager recently sat down with me and expressed concern that I just didn’t seem like myself lately. She said I hadn’t seemed as happy and carefree as usual over the last few weeks. And she was worried it might be rubbing off on others.

Her concern was completely fair, and I think we got to the bottom of it:

In the last few weeks, there had been several projects I was working on–very sensitive projects with pretty delicate implications, so I was pretty pressured to get things just right.

More importantly, the projects were putting me in direct, daily contact with some very unhappy and uncooperative third parties.

On top of that, the projects were dragging on and on and on, and there was little I could do to fix the situations.

So I would get to work and look for this or that easy thing that needed to be done, and just hold off on dealing with the crappy stuff until later in the day. Like I was in a sort of denial–thinking maybe it would all just disappear if I waited long enough.

But it meant I was on edge a lot. It meant I was not looking forward to the rest of the day, I was dreading it. And clearly, it showed.

Here’s what I could have done differently: I could have ripped the band-aid off!

I should have known. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my managers say exactly that–very applicable to our line of work: “Just rip it off!”

That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned from the last month or two of work. Think of it this way:

Remember being a little kid with a band-aid over your cut? After a day, you’d go to pull it off, and maaaan did it hurt!!! You’d timidly take a corner and slowly pull it back, bit by bit, millimeter by millimeter, willing the pain to subside. And with every microscopic hair that snapped, you’d clench your fists and fight your tears a little more. Surely, if you did it a little slower, it wouldn’t hurt so darn bad!!!

Then out of nowhere your mommy would reach in and grab the band-aid. You screamed in terror, but she ripped it off anyway. Fast.

… AND THE PAIN WAS GONE!

I promise that if you apply the same principle to your daily work, things will be easier and happier and you’ll be more productive. That’s what I’ve found over the last couple weeks.

If you have something painful to do, don’t wait: Get it over with right away!

If you do rip the band-aid off, you get to focus on good stuff the rest of the day. If you don’t, you get to dread the crappy part.

If you do rip the band-aid off, the happier you works faster and gets more done. If you don’t, you subconsciously procrastinate as long as you can.

If you do rip the band-aid off, the people around you don’t get rain-cloud vibes from you. If you don’t, your team mates will know you really just feel like going home.

But that lesson isn’t just about your job: Where else in your life do you need to rip a band-aid off? Is it a conversation you need to have? A habit you need to stop?

If you did just rip the band-aid off, don’t you think it would make you happier, more energetic, and more productive?

What band-aid have you ripped off recently? And which one do you know has got to go next?