A year later (compassion: we all have some crappy things we need people to understand)

Yesterday I felt really upset and sad that I got a concussion last year. A year–seems like this should be done now, right? When I had my first concussion, everything felt pretty normal again a few months later. This time, it’s been almost a year, and I don’t feel like myself.

I think the last of the physical and mental effects wore off months ago–at least the effects directly from the concussion–but I’m still trying to get past the after-effects of those first effects. Like when you go from running miles and miles every week to suddenly hardly being able to go for walks. Now my head isn’t keeping me from going for runs. Now I just can’t go for runs because I lost so much strength and didn’t realize how slowly I needed to work back into exercise, so I screwed up my back. And I’ve discovered along the way bad habits I’ve always had that have made my back so weak and vulnerable to begin with. Or now my head isn’t making the world seem foggy, confusing, or dangerous. But all the days and weeks and months of extreme anxiety added up and left me feeling scared and on edge and a lot more emotionally vulnerable than I used to feel.

Yesterday all I wanted to do was go to the gym or go out for a run, but I felt self-conscious and weak and frustrated, and running isn’t the healthiest exercise for my back these days. I thought about how fit and active I was a year ago. I had worked hard to be as healthy as I was. It was great. I was always up for anything! It was a part of my identity. Why the hell did that day have to happen? It still sucks.

One silver lining is that all the anxious days made me pay more attention to myself deep down, though that doesn’t always feel like a good change. Another silver lining is that I think I feel more compassion and acceptance than I used to–for myself and for other people. I guess I get that no matter how much you wish you were exactly your dream self, sometimes life has other plans. Or sometimes life just throws a curveball at you, and not everyone is going to find the strength to head in the right direction every day. Some days just giving in to the weakness or the pessimism feels like … well it doesn’t feel good, but it just happens anyway. Like eating your feelings. I think I understand even better now, that people don’t just live screwed up lives because they want to, or because they have bad attitudes. People are fragile. Fragile AF. But we’re also strong, so I decided to go to the gym anyway, and I set a few healthiness goals for August 16–the one year mark since I bonked my head.

Silver lining or no, though–sometimes life has its crappy moments. Crappy days. Crappy happenings, that can leave you feeling weak and frustrated, uninspired, lonely, misunderstood, just … sad.

I think we all need each other to understand each other in times like that.

I spent a lot of yesterday thinking of how much my concussion last year changed my life. I felt embarrassed, because … come on. Right? But I know a concussion can mess with your life pretty long-term. Especially repeat concussions. I think mostly they’re not the end of the world. But I think a lot of people don’t give each other or themselves the benefit of the doubt–space to feel and heal.

And it’s not just concussions–and it’s not just a few of us. PTSD, losing a loved one, sexual abuse, auto-immune diseases, bullying, losing a job, miscarrying your baby, depression, addiction, loneliness, feeling betrayed, verbal and emotional abuse, chronic migraines, cancer…

I think it’s always worth telling each other how these things affect us. Being open and honest about the darkness we sometimes feel. And then, like Lyssi helped me with yesterday, helping each other reflect on the good things we still have, too.

I wanted to re-post something I wrote in January about some of the unexpected effects of dealing with a concussion, along with something Lyssi wrote about it, too.

I also want to encourage everyone I know to learn about all the different hard-things that your people go through. And to share your own. We’re all in this together. Nobody has to be a hero. Mostly we just need some love and understanding. So ask and listen, and speak up, too.

12 Things That Happen When You Get a Concussion

A Glimpse Into My World of Slow Concussion Recovery

What’s your story you want people to understand?

Be epic 2

Standing up to bullying

You don’t need to be strong to stand up to bullying.

You don’t need to be confident to stand up to bullying.

It’s okay if your hands are shaking and you’re choking up.

It’s okay if you are panicking.

It’s okay if you have to write yourself a script and practice your words a bunch of times.

It’s okay if your voice is shaky and you sound scared.

You don’t need to be intimidating or impressive to the bullies.

You don’t need to win any arguments or have all the right words.

It’s okay if you can hardly think straight and are scared out of your mind.

Bravery in the face of bullying is not about not being scared or not being messy.

Standing up to bullying is not about being good at standing up to bullying.

Standing up to bullying takes nothing more than standing up to bullying.

All you need is to say what you have to say. To walk away when you have to walk away. To stand there silently not giving in when you shouldn’t give in. To not take a seat just because you’re falling apart on the inside. Or the outside.

A “No” spoken through tears is still a “No.”

The only way bullies don’t win is if you don’t let them bully you.

So stand up, no matter how weak and scared you feel or look or sound. Stand up for yourself. And stand up for people who can’t seem to stand up for themselves yet.

You’ve got this.

We’ve got this.

ME - saying no to bullying 2

 

Ethics

When you accomplish or get something by putting people at risk, when you could accomplish or get it through a little more effort or sacrifice without putting people at risk–that is not called being productive, successful, or thrifty. In my opinion, that is just called being lazy and selfish.

Some situations are sticky because life isn’t all black and white. But some situations are just sticky because someone knows they can get what they want easily by putting others in uncomfortable situations.

This is a call to recognize the value to each person you meet of their own integrity.

You don’t have to cheat to get ahead. You can–and then just hope nobody gets hurt. Or instead, you can put forth a little more effort, be able to sleep at night, and be a good citizen of this world full of people whose lives matter just as much as yours.

Ethics of strangers - Bill Moyers

“The first step in the evolution of ethics is a sense of solidarity with other human beings. . . . Ethics is nothing else than reverence for life.” – Albert Schweitzer

Why Can’t You Talk About It?

Countless times, I’ve heard people say “I can’t say it” or “I can’t talk about it”–or worst of all, “I’m not supposed to tell anyone.”

Who says???

With a very few obvious exceptions (like corporate information that makes your company competitive or like national security and military secrets), you CAN talk about anything you feel you need to.

If someone made you promise not to tell anybody a deep dark secret that is eating you alive now, break that promise.

If your boss tells you you’re not allowed to discuss your employment (pay, treatment, etc) with anyone, don’t play by his rules.

If your dad or mom tell you you’re not allowed to tell people what goes on at home or you’ll be sorry, tell a teacher or another adult what’s happening and that you’re scared and need help.

I swear I have seen more damage done, more abuse prolonged, and more bullying enabled by people in every area of life being made to believe they have some obligation to keep quiet about something that’s slowly destroying them.

Bad people get a lot of their power from secrecy. Abusers isolate the abused. Bullies threaten harm to their victims if they speak up. Scammers and crooks threaten harm to people who go to the authorities for help. Bosses manipulate and intimidate their employees who don’t know better into keeping silent about problems in the workplace and unfair treatment.

And the ones getting bullied and scammed and hurt rarely know that there’s a lot built into the system–our society–to protect them and help them when people are trying to use fear and secrecy to control them: Laws against discouraging employees from discussing their terms of employment, hotlines available for kids who need a professional to step in and ensure they’re safe, law enforcement who are well trained to help people who are being threatened.

And the bullied ones also rarely know that all the power they think bullies have over them–it’s usually not really there. I am becoming more and more and more convinced, the older I get and the more I see, that most of the power that bullies get just comes from their victims feeling like they can’t speak up.

So please help me spread the word. If there’s something that’s hurting or scaring or bothering you, and someone tells you that you can’t talk about it, that’s the best indicator that you NEED to talk about it!

If you ever feel like someone has backed you into a corner and has their hand over your mouth, be brave! There are lots of us out here who will listen and help.

A bully’s worst nightmare is that someone might speak up.

They Have Feelings, Just Like You

There’s this one cashier at our grocery store that helps us sometimes. He’s disabled and has to sit on a stool while he slowly rings up our items. He’s very talkative and friendly, but his conversation is a little awkward.

I’ve noticed a lot of people avoid him. They know checkout will take longer and the topics will be weird, so they find a different line. More convenient, more comfortable. I caught myself avoiding his lane and felt awful.

He definitely notices when we recognize him and awkwardly shuffle away, as if we realized there’s a shorter line somewhere else. He can feel our impatience as he clumsily shoves our groceries into the bags. He knows we think his small talk is awkward. He can hear us thinking that employing a faster worker would be better customer service. After all, we’ve got important things to get to.

And he carries all this home with him every single night.

He’s a good sport and he makes the best of it. He tries to connect and he makes your day if he can. He knows some people like him. He’s proud of his work ethic and he’s a very sweet person. He’s got some friends and family who love him.

But sometimes he feels the hurt. Some days it really bothers him that people don’t want to see him. He wishes he could move faster so his customers would be satisfied. He replays the awkward comment he made to be funny, and hears again and again the pitying chuckle. He falls asleep to the impatient drum of your credit card on his counter. If he were more coordinated, he’d be more likable.

And he falls asleep with the same big feelings that I have when I’m embarrassed in front of my friends, the same big feelings you have when your boss makes you feel stupid.


“I can’t stand the IT guy. He’s super rude. Really unfriendly.”

Cassie always said what nobody else would say but everyone was thinking, so I knew that the rest of my team probably felt the same way about Ryan, who was there for the day installing new computers.

“Really? What happened?”

“I don’t know, he just… always looks really angry, and he seems annoyed when I tell him something’s not working. He never even says hi.”

I always encouraged my employees to speak freely, so I wanted Cassie to feel understood. But I’d worked with Ryan a lot, and he was a good guy.

“Have you gotten to talk to him much? He’s actually pretty nice once you get him talking. Maybe he’s a little shy, but he’s always been really helpful to me and he’s one of the hardest working people I know. You might like him if you get to know him.”

“Nope, his attitude sucks.” Cassie’s mind was made up.

Ryan is often misunderstood. He is very quiet and can be very serious. Focused, direct, and professional. Not exactly a social butterfly.

When people think and talk about Ryan the way Cassie did, it hurts Ryan. It’s not always to his face, but it gets around to him. Dirty looks, “feedback,” conversations overheard.

Cassie doesn’t know what has made Ryan who he is. Ryan served in active duty and saw some pretty dark stuff while trying to protect his country. Some of the stuff he had to see and do, he won’t talk about. “It just changes you,” he says. “You can never unsee it or undo it. And nobody back home will ever understand.”

Some nights he startles awake, ready to fight, only to find he’s sitting in a bed drenched in sweat. He has been through so much, sacrificed more than a lot of us can imagine. And it has left scars he carries with him to work every day–scars that rub people the wrong way. He’s seen more than just rainbows and butterflies, and you can see it on his face. But if you don’t know him already, it may just look like “unfriendliness.”

Ryan is a complete softy deep down. He’s head over heals for his wife and would give the world for his kids. He loves to serve. He has big feelings, just like the rest of us. It’s easy when we’re in Cassie’s position to forget that.


When I was about 7, I knew this girl named Bridget. She had a couple lively little siblings with cute curly hair–picture perfect. But she had plain black hair and lots of freckles. She was quiet and kept to herself. Shy.

Bridget brought me a picture that she drew of me as a gift. She had given me freckles, too.

“That’s so ugly! I don’t look like that at all! You’re so bad at drawing!” I yelled at her as I tore the picture down the middle and crumpled it up.

Tears welled up in Bridget’s eyes and she hurried away to hide. All alone.


Billions of people share this earth with you and me. Each one is unique. Each one has his or her own struggles and fears, insecurities and soft spots. But each one shares our humanness.

Look with compassion at the next person you see today, at the next person that bothers you, and the next stranger who interacts with you. They have feelings–big feelings–just like you. Good feelings and bad feelings. And you are going to have something to do with those feelings.

covey quote