Need Someone to Change? 5 Things to Know

Marilyn Ferguson - cannot persuade others to change

When I was younger and knew everything, I was pretty sure I could change everybody’s minds by arguing with them using things like logic.

When I was a little less young and naive, but still knew just about everything, I thought I could still kind of control people’s beliefs and actions by appealing to their feelings and emotions about things.

And now that I’m a little older and hopefully even a little bit less naive than before, I’ve learned that you really can’t make other people agree with you.

You can’t. They might, but you can’t.

You’d be surprised how many times I’ve had to relearn this lesson.

I want to share with you five things I’ve realized as I’ve come to terms with my inability to control what others think, feel, and choose:

1. It’s a good thing I can’t control what others think or do–because I feel like every few days I realize that something I thought I knew was totally wrong.

2. The task of changing and controlling people is exhausting and frustrating anyway. It’s so much nicer to not have to do that.

3. You may as well just accept where people are, understand them, love them, and make the best of it. Loving and getting along is easier after you realize you can’t control others. People are amazing if you love them for who they are.

4. If there is a thing you can’t healthily accept into your life about somebody, that is okay. You cannot change them, and it will only get worse if you try. But you can set boundaries, little or big.

5. If you would still love for someone to make a change, for their sake or yours, be the change you would like to see. Be the proof, the hope they might need, that they’d be okay and safe if they end up changing. And then if they decide they want to make a change, they’ll know they can look to you for help and encouragement.

Hope this helps!

“No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.” – Marilyn Ferguson

 

Social Media: How Does It Look In Your Life?

Sharing this recent speech to…

– Provoke some reflection about the role social media is playing in our lives: Do YOU use IT? Or does IT use YOU?

– Pique your interest in Toastmasters. If you’re in the Twin Cities, come join us on a Wednesday at noon in Apple Valley and learn how to present, give feedback, and communicate confidently in any situation. If you’re not near me, click here to find your local clubs–visitors are always loved! :)

– Brag on myself a little! I LOVE speaking/presenting and am working on building confidence and skills, which I’ve learned requires a little showing off. 

– Get feedback! I’d like to start doing some online videos soon (different format than a Toastmasters speech of course) so I’d love any and all suggestions on my presenting, content, etc.

– Start a conversation. What’s your take on Social Media? Experiences? Suggestions? I’d love to hear, and we’re all in the same boat–so please comment and share!

#socialmedia
#socialmediaeffects
#socialmediabenefits
#unplug
#publicspeaking
#toastmasters

PS–if you don’t have a whole 10 minutes, skip to the end for 3 practical social media tips that I have found very helpful. Happy scrolling! :)

My 100th Post: A Few Thoughts About Writing

I hope you write some things sometimes. And maybe even share your writings with the world. Finding words to express what’s in your heart can be so freeing, healing, and inspiring. And you never know whose life you’ll touch…

Tonight, I’m writing my 100th blog post. Looking back at my experience as a writer, I’ve come to realize a few things: Some surprising, some encouraging, some useful, and some inspiring…

 

Writing can be an incredibly freeing outlet.

Sometimes what you think is your best work is your worst. And sometimes what you think will be your worst work ends up being your best.

Three years from now, you may look back at words you wrote today, and be reminded of a life-changing truth you had forgotten.

Keeping at something–no matter how unimpressed you are with your results–is the surest way to get where you want to go. Lots of little steps add up.

One of the most effective ways to learn, think, clarify, and explore ideas is by writing about the thing you’re learning.

Feelings are vital. Write from your heart. Yes, it’s cliche, but I promise it makes for the most powerful and effective writing.

You will get just as much (or more) from what you write as others will get from reading it.

Other people want you to succeed and will support you.

You never know who your words will resonate with on any given day. Sometimes, in the randomest way, they were exactly what someone else needed.

It’s fascinating and eye-opening to look back at what you’ve written through the years. Even if it hasn’t been Dear-Diary subject matter, it still acts as a journal in some surprising ways.

Don’t be afraid of saying what you really think.

You can be great at writing, love writing, and feel that it’s the easiest thing–and still some days, weeks, months, or even years it can be very, very, very difficult.

You don’t always have to follow the same formula or write what people have come to expect from you. Sometimes a little change or surprise is perfect.

Short and sweet is often best.

Persistence is key, but be prepared for persistence to feel next to impossible when inspiration decides to take the week off.

You will look back at something you wrote and you’ll blush and you’ll cringe and you’ll think “I put that out for the whole world to see?!?” And then you will realize that it didn’t actually do you any harm and that everything is okay.

Sometimes a thing you wrote long ago turns out to be the perfect solution to a problem you’re having today.

Confidence is good and it’s important to learn to brag on yourself a little.

It is okay to say “I am a writer.” (“A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit.” – Richard Bach)

Having a hundred different pieces you’ve written can prove very useful later on, like when you’re asked to give a talk, or like when someone asks for advice and you realize you’ve already written down your answer.

There’s no right or wrong way to write. Sometimes you should just rattle off what’s inside and click “Publish.” And sometimes you should plan, think, draft, scrap, draft again, edit, proof-read, worry a lot, and then click “Publish.”

People want to know about you more than you think.

Even if you don’t feel like it, your life has given you so much wisdom and experience and help to share!

You are not writing for the people who will disapprove of what you write. Don’t get stuck on them.

“Mean it. Whatever you have to say, mean it.” – Neil Gaiman

I owe this one to a dear friend, but it’s been proven time and time again by my experience blogging: People connect at the level of their struggles!

Discovering that you helped just one person makes all the hours and energy you’ve ever spent on writing more than worth it!

 

If you have a message burning inside you, try writing it down. You may experience all these good things I’ve experienced. And you may find other good things of your own. And your words may do you and the world a whole lot more good than you expect. Good luck!

(Shout-out to my fellow bloggers and writers! You make the world a better place!)

Neil Gaiman - As Only You Can

Waking Up in Addis Ababa

I climbed down the stairs out of the plane and walked across a big runway and in through a little door into a big warehouse-like building. Mobs of people crowded the little airport, all speaking languages I didn’t understand. I had arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Scanning the crowds, I finally found my host. Accompanying him was a young Ethiopian man who kept laughing nervously. I got a weird vibe. We found my luggage and left the airport, walking down the long ramp to the parking lot, where Giovanni’s big brother the Taxi Driver was waiting to give us a ride.

Suddenly I heard a sound behind me I’d never heard in my life: Ear-piercing, high-pitched, “Le le le le le le le le!” Like a siren. I turned around to see women with their faces covered, wailing alongside a coffin that had been carried out of the airplane. Others were sobbing or even screaming. I later learned the sound I’d heard is a very common ritualistic song of sorts called “ululation.”

Everything was dark, and everyone was beautiful. I was in the most foreign place I’d ever been.

I hopped into the little blue and white taxi and felt like I fell straight through to the concrete below. The entire back bench was caved in. I reached up to buckle my seat belt, but who was I kidding, there were no seat belts. Off we went, careening at an uncomfortable speed up and down windy roads, through a dark Ethiopian night. Coming around one bend, my door flew wide open and I held onto the seat in front of me for dear life.

I could see very little in this darkness—there were no lights like you see in the night here. I could make out the occasional shack or shed we passed and saw a few wild dogs. Eventually we turned down a dark dirt alleyway and arrived at my new home, a little house on a compound with high walls. We barred the iron gates behind us and I was shown up to my bedroom to sleep after the longest journey I’d ever taken. I was in a very different place. Very new.

 

Let me pause my story to tell you about what I knew of Africa. You see, I’m from America, and I had grown up in a home where I learned only very specific things about Africa: That everyone was poor and uneducated. That everyone was sick and desperately in need of help. That I was on my way to save them.

 

Back to my story. They warn you about jet lag, but you have to live it to really understand. The next morning I tossed and turned, barely waking up only to fall back into restless sleep. I dreamed dreams that you would only dream if you were waking up for the first time to the beautiful and enchanting sounds of Muslim prayers being chanted over a loud speaker from a nearby mosque. I kept gasping for breath as I adjusted to the high altitude of Addis Ababa.

Suddenly I woke all the way up. Something wasn’t right. I was hearing a sound that didn’t fit. The American pop-rock band Train has a song called “Hey Soul Sister” that was all the rage in America ten years ago, and it was now being broadcast on loudspeaker all across Mekanisa, Addis Ababa. Maybe Ethiopia wasn’t quite as far back in the dark ages as I thought. I went to the window and looked out to see very normal people doing very normal things outside a nearby apartment complex.

I went downstairs for breakfast and chatted with Kidane, the kid that made me nervous the night before. Turns out he was just a cool guy. The coolest! Very “normal” and just the greatest person! We talked about normal stuff, like music, relationships, and favorites.

My host sent me with Kidane to explore my new town. Sure, there was stuff I’d never seen—like a freshly severed cow head laying on the road. And yes, Kidane had a sad, scary story that included being beaten and robbed in Nairobi, Kenya. But there was more to Africa. There were skyscrapers and advertisements. People dressed in clothes far more stylish than mine, listening to their iPods, playing on their smartphones. Kidane introduced me to a local business owner in a fancy suit. We stopped at an internet café, crowded with young Ethiopian adults, browsing Facebook, looking at pictures of them and their friends partying.

It was not what I expected to see. At all. Here’s the thing, guys. The west is rich, though we have our homeless. And Africa is poor, but it has wealth, education, and progress the TV doesn’t always show you.

Don’t trust clichés and stereotypes.

 

I love traveling and exploring new cultures more than almost anything else in the world. Reflecting on my first big cross-cultural experience the other day, I found this summary from a blog post I wrote about my first day waking up in Addis Ababa:

“I can’t really explain it, but it was like my mind stood up, stepped straight out of my inexperienced head, and said, ‘You are finally beginning to understand the world. Never put me back in that narrow mind again.'”

Ethiopia 2

Ethics

When you accomplish or get something by putting people at risk, when you could accomplish or get it through a little more effort or sacrifice without putting people at risk–that is not called being productive, successful, or thrifty. In my opinion, that is just called being lazy and selfish.

Some situations are sticky because life isn’t all black and white. But some situations are just sticky because someone knows they can get what they want easily by putting others in uncomfortable situations.

This is a call to recognize the value to each person you meet of their own integrity.

You don’t have to cheat to get ahead. You can–and then just hope nobody gets hurt. Or instead, you can put forth a little more effort, be able to sleep at night, and be a good citizen of this world full of people whose lives matter just as much as yours.

Ethics of strangers - Bill Moyers

“The first step in the evolution of ethics is a sense of solidarity with other human beings. . . . Ethics is nothing else than reverence for life.” – Albert Schweitzer